Birthday

I awakened from slumber at a quarter hour befor 5 in the morning hours on this 19th day of June, in the year of our Lord two-thousand seven. This in turn means that my BIRTHDAY wilt be the longest day of my summer, being not a day upon which I woke at the noon hour and so far having only slept for a total of two hours and one half.
Now, no longer art I one of the teenagers of which thou hearest copious and tumultuous complaints and clamor. No longer a part of that buzzeth such as it is. My parents have no longer the distinctin of surviving every day at home with their teenage son. However, I art stuck in the middle still. Not quite considered an adult, for I cannot imbibe strong spirits of intoxicating nature, nor may I place money on chances and odds (also known by its sinful name of gambling).
The English to which most are accustomed is a falsity. Genuine English must be convoluded and drawn out, being not a chance to repeat the words "like" and "whatever" many and sundry times. Therefore, thou art reading the results of mine own attempt to resurrect a dead language.